


I Will Follow You Into The Dark

by CourageousJS



Series: Mirrorball [5]
Category: Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:34:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourageousJS/pseuds/CourageousJS
Summary: TW ABUSEA collection of one-offs revisiting trauma for healing
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Frank Randall, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Series: Mirrorball [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2063250
Comments: 12
Kudos: 58





	I Will Follow You Into The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> I've been ruminating on this idea for a while. Mirrorball helped me so much when it came to reliving some of the trauma I'd experienced through the safe lens of fiction. Although, like Claire, I was my own hero... it always helps to picture the King of Men in situations where others fail so blatantly. 
> 
> If you've ever experienced abuse, I hope this helps you find peace. I'll add to this as I write out my trauma story. This actually happened to me with my own "Frank" 
> 
> The title of this work comes from Death Cab for a Cutie 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDHY1D0tKRA
> 
> I Will Follow You Into The Dark
> 
> Love of mine, someday you will die  
> But I'll be close behind  
> I'll follow you into the dark  
> No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white  
> Just our hands clasped so tight  
> Waiting for the hint of a spark
> 
> If Heaven and Hell decide  
> That they both are satisfied  
> Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs  
> If there's no one beside you  
> When your soul embarks  
> Then I'll follow you into the dark

Pictures can lie. Be they fleeting snapshots of smiles or faces, funny images, thoughtful quotes. My camera roll was full of lies. Mixed with some truth. 

Jamie and I were fixing up the place to sell it and he came across a small indentation in between the wall where the closet met the corner of my room. 

“My head.” I said under my breath as he looked quizzically at me. 

“One of the worst times.” My voice shook and I tried to go on with my work but Jamie’s mouth fell open and he was at my side in moments. 

“Tell me. Please. Tell me the worst of it. I dinna want ye to get upset but I want to understand what ye went through before me.” 

I drew in a shaky breath. 

“I don’t remember what the fight was about, initially I said something to offend him like I always did. He was always offended by what I said or how I said it. Always zero to sixty in no time at all. After half an hour or so of yelling at me, I started having a panic attack. I couldn’t stop screaming at him to stay away from me.” 

I pulled out my phone and scrolled through the months of photos until I found the several I was looking for. Stuck between the lies of the smiles were photos I took to remember the moment, the many moments my world had fallen apart. I took them as a tribute to what I’d been through so I wouldn’t forget in the wonderfulness of the love bombing he would always follow moments of sheer terror that made me forget it ever happened. So I took proof. 

In one, my tear-stained face was wearing a navy blue tank top and Frank’s spit was all over my shoulder and side of my face. He had bashed his head into mine and forced me down on the bed in anger, spitting upon my shaking form as he stormed off. That was one of the first times. 

I pulled up a picture of me wet and half dressed, the buttons on my blouse undone as I was soaked with water with my clothes on, standing in my bathroom. 

“During the panic attack he was angry, frustrated I wouldn’t stop crying. He grabbed me by my shoulders and dragged me into the shower. He held me down in it and turned the water on. Later, he said he did it to stop me from being hysterical. But it didn’t. It made it worse. Reminded me of those old treatments they used in mental hospitals where they would shock the patients with water hoses.” 

My voice caught and Jamie glanced at my phone but looked away quickly. 

“ Mo chridhe…” 

I could tell it broke his own heart as tears fell from his eyes. 

“Part of that same argument, somewhere in there. He grabbed my neck and slammed me into the wall and pinned me there. My feet didn’t touch the floor. His hand on my jaw holding me up there like a piece of paper. I couldn’t move. I tried ripping at his hair because that’s all I could reach. He slammed my head into the wall until I got dizzy. Then he threw me on the bed and left.” 

My voice caught and Jamie held me gently, letting me cry into his shirt. 

“I thought I should die. I wanted to. In my heart I wanted someone, anyone to save me. No one ever did. I had to save myself, bit by bit. I had to piece together what was left of me again and again until I lost myself altogether.” 

“I wish I’d known you then,” My voice broke. 

“I wish I was there, too.” His voice was thick with held back emotion. 

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” I said softly. “No one knew. I wouldn’t let them see.” 

Jamie took my hands and kissed them and shushed me, holding me close to his heart. I listened to the beat of it like it was my lifeline drawing me back to the present where I was safe and loved. 

“I hurt. I had headaches so often from him. My arms were bruised on the elbows from fighting him off or around my shoulders and wrists from where he’d grab me. I just remember after it was done. I would lay where he left me and sob and shake and pray for someone to save me. But that person was myself.” 

Jamie stood up straight and looked into my eyes seriously, his own filled with tears. 

“No more. Mo chridhe, no more.” He shook his head hard. “I will end anyone who ever touches you. Even hearing about it makes my blood boil. That any man would ever think to put their hands on you….” 

He clenched his jaw and I could see the fire in his eyes die down as he controlled it. 

“Any man who does that to any woman. They don’t deserve it. I don’t care what they were doing, it’s never the right choice to lay hands on a woman. Never. That’s not love. To treat your partner like their life meant nothing!” 

I breathed him in, his arms wrapped around me like the safest blanket I’d ever known. It was easier to revisit those memories with him near me. Holding his hand in mine, I felt as though I was a viewer looking at the moving picture of my life. 

“Thank you.” I said quietly. 

“For?” Jamie breathed in my hair and kissed my head, I felt his slight beard brush the top of my head. 

“Following me into the dark.” 

“I’ll be here, Claire. Whenever you need me.” 

I rested my head on his chest to listen to his heartbeat. Clasping his hands in mine, we swayed slowly, dancing to a music only we could hear. It was a dance we would do, each time the world got too dark for either of us. If there was no one else beside me, for all of time, I knew he would be there. My slow-dancing partner in my darkest moments. Somewhere, at the end of the world, after everyone is long gone. We are dancing. 


End file.
